


Something they can never take away

by J_Laurens



Series: There are so many lives I want to share with you [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: (I'm declaring my love to John Laurens), (mentioned) - Freeform, Brief Smut, Canon Era, Canonical Character Death, Declarations Of Love, Excessive Foreshadowing, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Historical Inaccuracy, I tried my best and failed, It hurts but reincarnation will happen, M/M, Mutual Pining, Period-Typical Homophobia, barely though - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-26
Updated: 2016-08-26
Packaged: 2018-08-10 14:05:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7848016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_Laurens/pseuds/J_Laurens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Looking back, Alexander fell in love with John the moment he laid eyes on him. </p><p>Or</p><p>John Laurens and Alexander Hamilton lived a lot of lives, all of them together. This is their first one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something they can never take away

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first part in my Lams reincarnation series that I have finally begun actually writing, instead of just incessant planning. 
> 
> I did a lot of research to try and make this accurate, I mostly failed because I found that applying my knowledge and love for history into fics is a lot harder than it seems. I have a newfound respect for those who write time pieces accurately. I tried my best to make the dialogue accurate, but I once again failed. 
> 
> I'm mostly just expressing my unadulterated love for John Laurens, while throwing in a lot fluff and some angst in the meantime.

It began in mid-spring of 1777. Alexander had finally grown accustomed to his life as George Washington’s aide-de-camp in the war, even if he still found the weather dreadfully absurd. Alexander still hasn’t even begun to fathom why anyone would think it a good idea to live somewhere as cold as the colonies were, in April no less! Alexander had said as much; complained to anyone who would listen to him for longer than a minute. He was in the midst of yet another one of his tangents, speaking to some poor soldier who got roped into listening before he could escape. Lafayette had then walked into the tent, he was followed closely behind by the most beautiful man Alexander had ever seen; the words Alexander was speaking so passionately died at the tip of his tongue when he met eyes with John’s own so very blue ones. He was taken within seconds, it had to have set some kind of record. He had taken in every feature, every beautiful feature this man had to offer before snapping his gaze to meet Lafayette’s own. Lafayette was watching him intently, a smug smile on his lips as he looked at Alexander as though he had a secret he wasn’t going to share anytime soon.

The gorgeous man introduced himself as John Laurens, boldly and exuberant. Alexander knew he was digging his own grave as he shook hands with John, holding onto John’s hand longer than necessary because he was still trying to comprehend how John’s eyes could be so terribly blue. He was informed that John was new to the revolution. Washington had seen him fight and was so impressed he had to have him as part of the family. So here he was; bright-eyed and ready to fight for anything and everything he had deemed worthy. Alexander was taken aback by how much of himself he saw in John; John with the cut on his left cheek and the scraped up knuckles on his right hand. He was trouble, Alexander knew it the minute he laid eyes on him; but Alexander was always rather reckless, lacking a sense of self preservation. Lafayette nearly had to drag Alexander out of the tent, saying something about how Laurens had work to do and a cot to break in.

Alexander walked back to his own tent in a stupor, his mind occupied by all things John Laurens. Lafayette called him on it, “Try and be a little less obvious, mon cher. Not all are as understanding as I.” Lafayette grinned. “You’ve known him barely ten minutes and you have already taken on the part of a lovesick fool.” He was awfully sure of himself, wrapping an arm around Alexander’s shoulders and walking back to Hamilton’s tent.

Alexander huffed indignantly, shrugging Lafayette’s arm off and sitting at his desk. “I haven’t a single idea what you’re talking about. I’m merely glad to have another like-minded soldier join our ranks. Pray he’s less insufferable than a certain Frenchman.” He bit out, dipping his quill in black ink and beginning to take his frustrations out on a piece of paper, dotting his i’s a bit harsher than necessary.

Lafayette pretended like he was offended, but Alexander saw the mirth in his eyes. Damn him and his observation. Alexander was drawn to John like a moth to a flame and Lafayette knew. “He is very beautiful, my friend,” He hummed and sat down on Alexander’s cot. “Rumor has it, he’s an abolitionist. He’s living on a trust fund set up by his father, who owns one of the biggest plantations in South Carolina.” He smiled, trying to appease Alexander with all the information he had on this John Laurens. “He apparently took a boat from London and immediately joined the war.”

Alexander feigned disinterest, acting as though he wasn’t filing every word away into a storage compartment just for Laurens; hoping that that file would soon be overflowing with information, willingly given to him by John himself. “How very noble.” Alexander muttered dully and Lafayette sighed, knowing it was useless to draw out the subject. “Now, some of us have actual duties to attend to so if you’ll leave me.” Alexander didn’t even look up from the letter he was writing when Lafayette saw himself out. Alexander acted as though his mind wasn’t more focused on how John’s eyes had manage to twinkle so brightly than the letter he was writing.

 

~

 

Alexander was staring. He knew he was staring. He damned well knew John knew he was staring and yet his eyes remained fixated on the man he found so very intriguing, as the man in question wrote out Washington’s calendar. Alexander was broken out of his reverie when he saw John’s lips move, forming words that didn’t register in his mind. “I beg your pardon?”

John’s lips quirked into a small, knowing smile, “I said, do you ever tire of doing such boring things? I personally didn’t see myself as Washington’s day-planner when I joined the war.” He chuckled, only sounding slightly bitter.  “Not that it isn’t a great honor.” He amended, setting his quill down and placing a lid over his ink.

Alexander found himself nodding along as John said exactly what he has thought for months now. “I find myself thinking the same rather often.” He sighed loudly, “It is a great honor to work under the General but I am often bored, I wish to have my own command.” Alexander admitted, “I do not want to be Washington’s secretary forever.”

John smiled, watched Alexander with an interested gaze as he nodded. “A noble goal indeed.” He hummed his approval. “I wish to have a battalion of black soldiers.” He confessed, his eyes wistful and the upturn of his lips looked hopeful. “I want to free slaves, it is my only desire.” John breathed out, meeting eyes with Alexander. “I hope to change the way most view blacks.”

Alexander watched him, his eyes wide. He felt breathless, he has never known a man so passionate, so utterly different than the rest. “You are one of the last good men on this planet, John Laurens.” He found himself saying.

John looked at Alexander, his mouth agape in surprise. “You mean that?” He asked quietly, suddenly bashful, Alexander swore he saw a blush upon his cheeks.

“With my entire being.” Alexander assured, “I have seen so much pain, so much suffering. All in the name of slavery.” He whispered, his eyes sad as he remembered all of the horrendous things he has witnessed in the past. “You can’t even imagine the horrors.” He muttered, his face twisting in his disgust. “I wish to see slavery abolished as well, Laurens, but we must be patient; it will take time.”

John chuckled, “I don’t know if I have the time, Hamilton.” Alexander knew he meant it sincerely. “But I will do everything in my power to change it.”

Alexander smiled, “Then we have the same wish. I hope you get to bask in the glory _when_ you succeed in your quest.” If anyone could change people’s minds about slavery, it was John. Alexander was sure of it.

“I’m afraid you have more faith in me than I myself, Hamilton.” John mumbled, seemingly embarrassed and unwilling to look Alexander in the eye. “But I do hope you are right. Not for the glory, but for the lives of people who should be our equals. I intend to treat them as such.” He said, his eyes glossy as he imagined a time when it will be considered normal to treat a black man as equal. “Although glory would be nice.” He added as an afterthought, grinning at Alexander.

Alexander laughed, loud and true. “I am inclined to agree, my dear Laurens.”

John smiled widely, not mentioning the endearment. Alexander did his best not to think too much of it.

 

~

 

Alexander was mesmerized by John; some part of him told himself he had been since the moment he met him. Alexander was always so focused, always so careful about himself when it came to others. He could never keep his mouth shut for the life of him but he knew how to train his facial reactions, he knew how to keep parts of him to himself. But whenever John was around, Alexander lost that focus; he was like an adolescent girl with a crush, acting like a fool the minute John entered a room. Alexander had never even entertained the thought that John might be the same way around him, he refused to consider this for even a second, because that could lead to false hope over something Alexander knew would never work out.

So maybe that was why Alexander was so surprised when John had initiated the first kiss. It was a stolen kiss, over so fast Alexander nearly convinced himself that he had imagined it, despite the way his lips burned afterwards. John had this smile on his lips, a secretive smile as though he had just let Alexander in on something he wasn’t supposed to. Vaguely, Alexander reckoned that that was exactly what John had done.

John bit his lip, opening his mouth to explain himself maybe, but that explanation never came as Alexander grabbed John by the shoulders and fit their lips together in a slow, careful kiss. They were both tentative, testing the waters. After so many months of dancing around each other, knowing, or at least thinking this moment would never come. The kiss was surreal, it was something neither of them had ever felt before. Alexander never wanted to pull away, never wanted to feel anything but this. He didn’t understand how he could have ever survived without feeling John’s lips on his. Alexander told John as much, once they finally and reluctantly pulled away from each other. Although they didn’t get far; their breathing fast and their foreheads knocking together. John laughed softly under his breath, “I’m not like all of those so very many girls, you know. You can’t charm me with a kiss and waxed poetry.” He teased, a sly grin on his lips.

Alexander laughed loudly, throwing his head back before placing another kiss to John’s rosy lips as a way to keep John from making any other snide remarks. His lips curved into a small smile as he realized he couldn’t even remember why he ever tried to hide his feelings for John.

 

~

 

Neither of them talked about the kisses shared that night for at least a week. Alexander was unsure whether they were avoiding the topic or it just never came up; they were rather busy at the moment and it wasn’t like things were awkward. They just weren’t together, and Alexander was okay with that, truly, he just wished they would be.

John was the one to bring it up, well rather, he kissed Alexander again and then muttered something about love and friendship and how the line is so very blurred. Alexander couldn’t help but agree. He wasn’t sure he loved John, not yet, but there was a strong sense of infatuation and it seemed John felt the same.

John bit his lip, pulling away after one last soft kiss. “How I have missed your lips,” He breathed, smiling to himself as he stroked the side of Alexander’s cheek with his thumb.

Alexander looked down, embarrassed at John’s affection, his eyelashes fanning across his cheeks. “I’ve missed yours too.” He mumbled, sighing shakily and leaning into John’s touch.

“Good,” John grinned so widely Alexander thought his face might split. “I wanted to ask but I was worried you would turn me down..” He whispered, “So I was wondering if you might permit me to kiss you more often?” He asked, and Alexander had never seen him shy before but he wasn’t surprised to find that John was just as enticing shy as he was when he was bold.

Alexander felt a face splitting smile of his own cross his face, “Of course you can. Whenever you may like. Although… we will have to be careful?” He said quietly, watching John intently. “You know what they do to men like us.”

John nodded, “Certainly,” He sighed. “Although, now that I’ve your permission, and with lips like yours I will be kissing you whenever I have the opportunity.” He said brightly, seeming smug at the thought.

“This seems like the perfect opportunity.”

John didn’t issue a response other than his lips pressed firmly against Alexander’s. That was more than enough.

 

~

 

Alexander was frightened the first time he had been taken by John. John had fired a shot at Charles Lee in a duel mere hours before. Alexander didn’t know how he was going to express all of the feelings that were dwelling within him. He wanted to scream at John for risking his life; he had so much to live for and throwing it all away for a man like Charles Lee was the stupidest thing he could’ve done. Alexander told John this as he led him away from the grounds that held the duel and John had laughed his infuriatingly mind melting laugh of his. Alexander was never certain on whether or not this calmed or angered him more.

“I’m being serious Laurens!” Alexander cried. “I lose everyone I love. I do not wish to see your demise as well.”

The surprise John had felt was evident on his face. He wasn’t used to such emotion, he had never experienced something like this before. The only words he could choke out were questioning ones. “You love me?’

Alexander’s sigh expressed his obvious frustration. “Of course I love you! I’ve loved you for about as long as I’ve known you. I love everything you are John Laurens, so do not throw your life away for something as meaningless and false as the idea of honor.” He whispered, cupping John’s cheek to keep John from looking away.

John’s breathing was fast and his eyes wide, “How incredibly candid of you, Hamilton.” John chuckled, trying to regain his own composure but failing miserably as Alexander wilted like a flower without sunlight. “I love you too, my dear boy. More than words can say.” John murmured into Alexander’s ear, under the cover of the night and the cold wind that swept past them.

Alexander knew only one way to convey his affection; he grabbed John’s shoulders and placed his lips to John’s own without hesitation. Alexander kissed John with more fervor and passion than the two of these over-enthusiastic men had ever experienced in either of their touch-starved lives.

Alexander was desperate and John was willing. Alexander begged John for something, he wanted to be with John in all possible ways. He had never wanted anything so much in his life. Alexander wasn’t sure how they had ended up on a bed, he couldn’t focus on anything else other than John for longer than a few seconds. He didn’t care where they were or how they got there, he only cared about how John was above him with more fondness and devotion in his eyes than words could ever hope to communicate.

Alexander had fallen apart like that, with John inside of him, whispering poetry into his ears as Alexander whined in pleasure, pleaded for everything John could give him.

All he wanted was John, the only necessity in his life was John Laurens.

 

~

 

Alexander watched the piece of parchment that laid on the desk before him, the black ink was spread across the page in a perfected cursive scrawl. It was a detailed letter that spoke directly to John; it entailed every thought he ever had about John, every whisper, every dream. He wanted John to know exactly what he thought of him, he couldn’t bear another day going by knowing John was doubting himself.

John had left after a fight; a fight caused by John’s self-doubt and Alexander’s inability to provide actual comfort. John had been promoted, he was being sent back to South Carolina to begin trying to convince men of Congress to let John lead a battalion of black soldiers. John’s dreams were beginning to come true and Alexander had never felt more proud. But Alexander was sad to see John go, he had felt spoilt. He was so used to having John next to him, the thought of John not being by his side made Alexander’s chest ache. Alexander wasn’t sure that pain would ever diminish when John was gone.

Alexander’s obvious dejection made John assume that Alexander’s downtrodden attitude was implication that Alexander wasn’t happy for him. John’s own self-doubt had made him irrational and angry. He barely heard a word of Alexander’s denial of John’s accusation, despite all of the ways Alexander had tried to persuade John that he couldn’t be more proud of John’s accomplishments, John wouldn’t listen.

This letter was Alexander’s last hope at reconciliation. He never blamed John for this fight, he knew exactly how self-destructive John could be. He could never be angry at John for such a thing, he just wanted to make John see sense. It became less about Alexander and more about his feelings for John. So he wrote draft after draft of this letter, knowing every word had to fit perfectly, every sentence had to have a purpose. He admitted his love to John several times, vowing that he would convince John as such. He did his best to persuade John into believing that he deserved this promotion above anyone; he needed John to know how proud he was. His letter was playful and concise. The words were flowery but the sentiment was true, Alexander prayed that John would understand.

 _'You should not have taken advantage of my sensibility to steal into my affections without my consent.’_ Alexander smiled to himself as he read over the line, knowing that John had been given his consent the moment they had locked eyes on one another.

Alexander had sent the letter as soon as he was finished with it and waited with an over-eager heart for John’s response. It took several days before he had gotten word back, Alexander’s impatience grew with each day that had passed. He trusted John though, knowing John would never ignore such a letter, even if it did take longer for John to issue a response of his own.

Alexander had opened the letter the moment it had been passed into his readied hands. He couldn’t waste another moment without word from his dear Laurens, he was shocked to see the letter was pages long. Possibly longer than Alexander’s own. He couldn’t help but smile at the addressing. _‘My dearest, boy Alexander’_.

The first line read, _‘Then do I have your consent?’_ And Alexander laughed brighter and louder than he had since John had left, because _yes_ , the answer was always yes.

 

  ~

 

Alexander knew he was in trouble the moment he laid eyes on John Laurens. From his beautiful smile to his hypnotizing eyes, he knew John would ruin him like no other. But that never stopped Alexander from falling in love with John, he didn’t even think twice when he gave his heart to John like he never had before, like he never would again. And even as Alexander stared at the letter stating his dear John Laurens had died, he never found himself regretting his decision.

Alexander’s eyes moved to the pile of letters for John he never got to send, never will get to send. A sob escaped his lips before he could help it. He swore he felt his heart break as he read the letter over, again and again. He still barely ever comprehended a word of it. He had never felt pain quite like this, never so sharp, never so incredibly life-altering. His battle wounds could never compare to the absolute agony he was in when he read the sentence stating John’s death. His entire world crumpled all around him, and he sitting in the rubble, wondering why he couldn’t have gone along with him.

He breathed deeply through his nose, trying to catch his breath as sobs wracked through his entire body. He was certain that he would never be able to breathe again. He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know how he would ever live knowing he would never see John again; never kiss him, never hold him, never hear John speak. Before he knew it, he was writing. They were letters, all of them addressed to John, all of them things John would never read. Alexander spilled his soul onto parchment, the ink like his blood and the quill the knife he used to cut himself on.

When John died, a part of Alexander had died with him. He was never able to love quite so wholly; John had his heart and Alexander wasn’t able to get it back. He wasn’t sure he wanted it back. All he wanted was to see John again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry to end this on such a sad note but they will meet again! In another time, in a different life.  
> This is my first fic in the Hamilton fandom and I hope it won't be my last. I have a lot of ideas for this series so I hope it appeals to some. 
> 
> Thoughts and kudos give me motivation so anything is welcome! Thanks for reading! x.


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